Hope Is An Inside Job...
There was a small spark that asked the question, 'what am I doing here' when so many of my friends are no longer here, running side by side with me. I thought they were better people than me, better character, better skills, NOT different, and yet they were gone and I was still here. Running hard at escaping myself, my past, my life, my emotions, through using, trying to drown out all that I was.
I didn't know how to feel anything but anger and pure disgust, and YET, there I was in the midst of a 9 month relapse. After quiet a few years of being clean and sober. Now, get that I said "clean and sober" NOT in recovery, NOT healing.
I think back to those days and I even remember talking to counselors and psychiatrists, that was never a problem for me. I was good at talking out things, telling them about my traumas. Somehow, nothing that they ever said was able to sink in, and transmute inside of my soul.
OH but I knew this time had to be different.
You see in that time of being clean and sober, even though I was a miserable person, I had built too much to loose. I had gotten a modicum of success with family relationships, and repairing quiet a few things; learning how to have a work ethic, work and pay bills and support a family. Low and behold, and be a father!
In that 9 month relapse, after another traumatic situation, another person expressing to me how disgusting I was to them for something I couldn't even change.
I dealt with it in my old way... I coped, as I always did. I knew that I just didn't want to lose all that I worked so hard to build!
But, I knew it came down to one choice, that night I had gotten sprung from jail, already signed up to go to treatment, but had about a week waiting list.
Low and behold, I get caught with some random piece of paraphernalia after the shittiest day, and now being sprung, and my wife has
JUST PUT A SHOT OF OPIOTS IN MY NECK, INTO TO MY JUGULAR VEIN.
Instead of feeling better and well and all those things, I felt a tiny spark of hope. I had to make a choice. This had to be different. I either had to figure out how to heal my deep roots, the deep root causes of my addictions that kept me running to that escape button every time. Or, I had to pack up a little bit of my stuff and take off while everybody was asleep. I felt like they'd be better off without me.
And this time, I just felt like god wasn't going to spare my life again.
So I reached down and I found that hope.
HOPE is an inside job. Nobody can give it to you, you can't read anything to give you hope, and YOU have to reach down to find it. When you do, you can name it whatever you want. But always remember this...
it can't be given, nor can it ever be taken.
HOPE IS AN INSIDE JOB!
- Lona Currie
A good friend of mine made a statement to me that kicked off an amazing momentum of thought about new recovery. We weren’t even talking about recovery, but, I guess this is just how my mind works. He says ‘how do you chop down a forest, you keep swinging’
You know, I'm in my stages of Spiritual Awakening and understanding who I am as a creation, and what life and happiness and connection truly mean. When we're in these Circles of spirituality and love and living life from the heart, we learn that the more we battle at situations and happenings in our lives, the more we keep love away from us.
I'm paraphrasing so much knowledge that I've listened to, learned and ingested over these past few years.
I want to take us all the way back though, to new recovery, because in new recovery, everyday is basically a battle. You're battling your old comfort zone, we are battling our internal selves, that part of our mind and Subconscious that wants to keep us safe by keeping us in our know. Keeping us in our comfort zone, even though our comfort zone is killing us. Every single day is like living in a war zone, you never know if this is going to be your last hit, will this be the bullet that takes you out, will it hit someone next to you? You never know. So, in new recovery it does feel a lot like a battle, and that's okay. My one thought, or piece of wisdom there is it won't always be this hard, Sometimes to help spark someone's hope, we should remind them that it does seem hard right now. You're changing years worth of internal programming, some you realize, and some you're not even fully aware of. But at a certain point if you never give up, and you let that spark of her grow into a Burning Flame of desire, to know what you're truly here on this Earth this time to do. Not denying your past, not feeling shameful of your Beginnings, or any day in your active addiction. Remembering that emotions like guilt and shame do not serve us. Lisa Nichols says “Guilt has no glory” and she is RIGHT!
We get past these battles by not trying to avoid or COPE in dangerous ways with our emotions negative and positive, because I know I'm not the only one who used when things were amazing, as much as when things were terrible. We're programmed each day to consume alcohol when we're celebrating things. Alcohol may not be your addiction of choice so to speak, but either way, we’re taught to celebrate, and Escape!
I want to offer, what I believe the truth of our existence is, and that is, to go through, to grow through to transmute, heal and share, that which has come into our experience to come to understand our true nature and Who We Are!. We are Divine expression of the creator, regardless of what you name Creator, matters not. What matters is that you come to truly understand and know you are divinely designed and that you hold within you the power of creation and that means that you can create a life that you love to live, not a life it will never have or never meet you but the possibility for negative emotions or experiences. A life where you find balance in it all, not that your external world is to be balanced but it is that you are to always be balanced, the caml in every storm of your life.
We are here not to be the divine, but to allow the Divine to express itself through us in a human experience.The beauty of Being Human, versus others of the great Creator's creations, is that we have the power of thought. And, our thoughts create experiences. Therefore we can design a life that we wake up happy to live everyday, through the power of our thought processes. We are not here by accident we are not mistakes of two teenagers romping around in the back of the station wagon back at their boyfriend or girlfriend. We are here because we were divinely designed to be here in this place right now, to come to discover the power that lives within us.
I want to help you get to a place where you thank your addiction for bringing you to the place where you finally broke open the Persona of that programmed ego, and you realized who you truly are. Divinity flows through your veins, your heart through your feelings for your emotions through your thoughts and especially through your words.
So if you're in new recovery today, and you're standing on the verge of Give Up, I asked you to Get Up, from your Give Up. Realize that not every day is going to be as hard as today, but you'll never know if you don't grow through this’ give up’ moment. That if you give up right now you may never know what tomorrow would have looked liked. If you sit with yourself where you are and maybe not stare directly at what is plaguing you, or what you're tired of fighting, and begin to imagine a life that you want. And if you spend more time energizing those thoughts versus energizing the thoughts that are keeping you down. What might happen, you're stronger than you understand, you're stronger than you know - because you’re actually still here either reading this or hearing this. Through all you've been through, through the fight of yesterday, through the turmoil of your early existence, you're here experiencing another day. There’s still something for you to do here.
Create, Create create stop being created upon,and create.
I love you! and I know you can do this! I know that it may be hard right now and I can never promise you a day that you will never have to deal with anything hard again, but I will promise you and can promise you now, is that you are strong enough to transmute, heal, and be all that you were divinely designed to be.
Get Up, from your give up and create a life you love!
I'm LC, your transgender mentor and I love you, I'm out
~ Lona Currie
The awakened truth:
There are no set amount of steps that get you to a place of recovery. No matter how many steps you do, accomplish, or complete, there is never a destination that we get to. Maybe the best part of recovery is learning not to regret your addicted past, or your trauma filled past. Maybe the best part of this whole process is becoming awakened to the beauty that is you, that is your uniqueness, your unique story, your unique path.
A lot of times we use because we’re trying to escape the feelings of failing at what was expected of us. We use to numb feeling of not fitting into the box. When in fact we were never meant to fit into the box anyway, that's the lie. The awakened truth is that our uniqueness is our superpower! When we learn to accept our story, whatever it may be, child abuse, trauma, rape, insest, gay, trans, whatever it is, we learn to accept that our story is unique. It’s meant for a unique purpose, we are living in our awakened truth.
There are people all over the world, that are never going to know what are truly made of, and their limitless possibilities, because they will never experience the backbreaking, heartbreaking trauma that leads you to the place of pure surrender, and giving yourself over to that higher power that lives within you. That is an amazing blessing, and Miracle Within itself.
When we can turn away from the herd, and really focus in, on how powerful that moment is, whether it's in a trap house, whether the moment happens in jail cell, whether the moment happens in the midst of an attack; that moment leads us to our awakened truth. So for anyone that is experiencing today, in that very moment where you're in the midst of give-up, but you’ve got that small spark that keeps telling you to get up, get up, get up … I want to beg you to just GET UP!, Follow the spark wherever it may lead, and learn how to love your unique truth! Then spend the rest of your life, living your awakened truth! I love you!
~ Lona Currie
When will I be free - when will the world stop judging me? Will I ever, ever be truly seen? When do I just get to be me?
Me, in a world that appreciates my uniqueness, and the uniqueness of each and every one. A world that doesn't live in violence or always fighting battles that can never be won! OH this judgment gives so much inner turmoil and we lose Souls every single day! When do we understand that judgment destroys each of us in so many ways?
Can we just release our own ideas of how God makes each one of its rays, can we not let each one of us be our Divine truth, can we not just love one another and believe that we are divinely made, and not need proof. When we judge another we are truly judging ourselves, and when we destroy another with our words, we are only destroying our true selves. Give over to Divinity, and embrace who you truly are. It is your destiny, and you'll never be happy living for others. Only ever be, exactly who you are!
What can trans people teach the world?
Trans humans can teach the world that the persecution of being one's true self, one's authentic self, living one's authentic truth, is far less than the internal persecution of the soul of not being able to live one's truth, and I think we’re all searching for that.
Not just in gender identity or sexuality. We’re all in search of that. We think it lives in external things, like successful cars, or accolades of a job well done, in homes, in labels that we get in the world in a company, and brands, everything external from us. But what it is, is finding the god source within us, in recognizing the call of the soul. Once in for all, silencing the distress within, and chasing the carrot of society’s definition of what is truth.
That's why we’re all in such distress, in a dis-rest , if you will. Its angst, and its war, and it's trying to force our truth on other people, and it's not even our truth. What it is, is the world's truth. I think we’ve lost sight of what we’re here to do on the planet. I think we’ve taken for granted our role here on earth.
Ya know, every creation here, all the way down to the nuisances we find here on earth, has a purpose, has a goal, has a divine job to do here. We as human beings have taken our place in the hierarchy and we have forgotten what our roots truly are here, and how we truly are here to help one another, be connected to one another, not separated out in groups, not separated from the core of truth, but really being brought back one to another. Connected with all creation, each and every one of us.
So while trans humans are trying to be erased from society, you’ll never erase what we represent, and that is that regardless of what any other human being thinks of your expression of truth, your goal, your job here on earth is to connect with your divine truth and live it outwardly fearlessly. Now when I use the word fearlessly, I don’t mean that you're not going to feel fear in exposing who you really are, but we have to walk through anyway. Because our soul requires us to.
There is a very good reason that my gender transition did not begin until I was in my mid 40's. I spent countless hours wishing it would have begun in my 20’s, when my body would not have been so, ya know, run down, or used. When my skin was firmer, and I had more elasticity, and less wrinkles, and I could have been a cuter guy. The reality is, I’m not here to be cute.
I’m not here to impress others, I’m here to unite the people of this creation of earth in love and acceptance. And knowing that higher purpose makes such a difference in my world, because it means that I take the importance of an external happening to give me internal happiness. It helps me to know that yes, while I am changing externally, I am also finding my true purpose internally. Maybe that purpose speaks to one million or just one, but the numbers don’t matter.
You see when you connect to your true divine, authentic, purpose, and live in the pocket that is called you, realizing that your uniqueness is your superpower, then the external numbers, matter not.
When you know you're walking in the true divine path that you know was set out for you, there is no need for external acknowledgment, if you will. So let us all join together and understand what we can learn from one another, and let us all stop chastising each other for not living what we feel the truth is, and embrace one another for our individual truths.
Each of us is a divine expression of god on the earth. Let us see one another like that, regardless of race, ethnicity, or identity, it doesn't matter. We’re all one god connected in the universal truth of life, and because of that, we all share the same pains, the same joy, the same emotions. Each one of us is unique living our own unique path, we don't’ look alike, we don’t sound alike, we don’t run alike, or chase the carrot alike, if you will - but we all are looking for certain universal things; happiness, satisfaction, and a purpose.
So understand what trans human beings can teach the world is to love yourself, your unique self. Not the mask you create so the world accepts you - but taking off the mask so you accept you and step into your truth fearlessly, and through your own fear. I’m LC, I am your trans gender mentor, and I love that fact!
I love you